“A Change of Pace”
Roy Harper yawned as he got out of bed. He scratched his behind as he padded toward the bathroom. A small smile crossed his face as he heard Lian sleeping in her room. He flipped on the light and turned to the commode to relieve the pressure on his bladder. Without looking, he reached down to aim at the toilet. However, this time his hand closed on empty air. He tried again with the same result. “What the-“ Roy thought as he looked down to see what was going on. He frowned as he realized something was blocking his view. His eyes shot wide open as he realized that the objects in question were a pair of nice breasts. “Oh, no,” Roy said in a voice that was much higher than it had been yesterday. “This cannot be happening.” Roy hurried down the hall of Donna’s apartment building. He’d (She’d?) left Lian a note explaining that he (she?) had to go run some errands and would be back soon. Roy frantically knocked at the door. Finally it swung open, revealing a very handsome dark-haired man. “Great Rhea,” he (she?) said. “It happened to you too.” Donna led Roy inside her (his) apartment – (*Editor’s note. From this point on, Donna and Roy will be referred to by their original gender pronouns to avoid confusion. So Donna will be her and Roy will be him. – db) Donna led Roy inside her apartment and closed the door. “So I see you got a little surprise this morning as well,” Roy said as he sank down onto the couch. Donna smirked. “Not so little,” she said. “I so do not need to hear details about that,” Roy said as he leaned forward with his head in his hands. “Question. How do you aim with that thing? I mean I-“ Roy raised a hand. ”Donna, please. I cannot handle this right now.” Roy slowly raised his head. “Could you have Sharon swing by and keep an eye on Lian while we try to figure this out?” ”Not right now. She’s just flown out to Central City. I’ll call Miri. Do I sound enough like you to fool her?” ”I need a drink,” Roy moaned. “No you don’t. It’ll go right to your hips.” Donna ignored Roy’s protests as she quickly called Miri. She hung up the phone after a brief conversation and turned back to Roy. “She’s on her way.” ”Great. What does this mean to us?” Roy asked. Donna thought a moment. “For starters, all those makeup tips I’ve learned over the years are worthless. Although not shaving the legs is kind of nice. If you’d like me to, I can help you out with it.” ”No,” Roy said. “I can’t go on like this. This isn’t who we’re supposed to be.” “I don’t know,” Donna said. “I kind of feel like some beer, barbecue, and football.” “Not helping,” Roy reminded her. “Sorry,” Donna said. “You think I could grow one of those little goatees like are so popular now?” ”You’re not going to be like that long enough to grow one,” Roy said. “I can’t spend any time like this. I can’t explain it to Lian. My daughter’s too young to be put in therapy because Daddy’s Mommy now.” Donna snickered. “What is it?” Roy asked. “I just realized that you’re a lesbian now.” “Great.” Roy’s head sunk into his hands again. “So what options do we have?” ”I don’t know,’ Donna said, “But there’s a little problem. I don’t think my Troia outfit’s going to fit anymore. I mean, I’m wearing maternity jeans now, and this t-shirt’s so tight it looks like spandex.” “What’s going on?” Roy muttered. “It all started yesterday…” “Let’s see,” Arsenal said as Troia carried him over the San Franciscan skyline. “That’s where the problem’s coming from?” ”Yep,” Troia said. “I saw it on the news while you were in the bathroom. That portal’s been shooting out power beams pretty randomly for the last few minutes. As the local superheroes, I thought we should check it out.” ”What about the Titans West?” Arsenal asked. “Isn’t this their turf?” Troia would have shrugged if she could have without dropping him. “You might as well ask where the Overseers are. Remember? The Titans are going through their own growing pains right now, what with Gar and Tara being gone on their honeymoon.” “I know,” Arsenal said. “I’m just surprised that whoever’s leading the team right now isn’t bringing them up here.” ”B-7,” Bumblebee said. With Gar gone, it had fallen to her to lead the special monthly bingo game at the Golden Years retirement community*. (* - Remember the last round in issue 5? - db) At least Bette wasn’t here to fight Mr. Gilhooly of the wandering hands. Bumblebee heard a noise and thought it may have been a bingo, but no – the large woman who resembled Jabba the Hutt in a pink muumuu had just farted again. Mentally she, just like Gar often had, cursed Vernon Questor for setting this up. “Well, I’m sure they’re dealing with another crisis, which means this one is all ours.” Troia smiled as she lowered Arsenal onto a nearby rooftop. Arsenal pulled out a set of binoculars and began studying the portal. “Wait a second!” he said. “Looks like something’s coming through.” He stuffed the binoculars into a pouch on his costume and turned to Troia. “Let’s get up there.” Chaos was again erupting at the Golden Years retirement community. This time Bumblebee, Vibe, and CM3 were holding back Golden Eagle. “Squishy squishy,” Mr. Gilhooly said as he made his ever-familiar hand gestures. “I’m a guy, you sick freak!” Eagle yelled. The rest of the residents (most of who were snoring) ignored him. “Just because my hair’s a little long doesn’t mean you can pinch my butt!” ”Calm down,” CM3 said. Just then he felt a pinch of his own. “Squishy squishy,” a voice cackled behind him. “That’s it,” CM3 said. “Eagle, you’re not going to kill him. I’m going to.” He turned and faced the grinning Mr. Gilhooly. “Now it’s time to pay for making me feel like I was back with the Teen Titans!” he yelled as he dove forward. Vibe and Bumblebee now shifted their focus to pushing him back. Across the room, the woman in the pink muumuu farted again, filling the room with the aroma of roses… … that were buried six feet deep in cow manure. Troia smiled. “Let’s go.” She picked Arsenal up and they flew toward the portal. As they approached, an orange creature half-materialized outside the portal. It only had enough time to fire one beam before Guy Gardner pulled the creature back through. Unfortunately, that one beam struck Troia and Arsenal, who fell back onto the nearest roof. Above them, the portal vanished. “Oh great,” Roy muttered. “That beam yesterday.” ”That had to do it,” Donna said, smiling slightly. “You know, jeans are a lot more fun now. Do you know that pockets are positioned just right to take care of annoying itches? You just jab your keys in there and start scratchin’ away.” “That’s it.” Roy stood and turned to the phone. “We saw Gardner up there. I’ll just call him at Warrior’s and see how we can undo this.” ”While you do that, I’m heading downstairs.” Donna leaned forward. “I’ve always wanted to use a urinal, and now I’m not missing the chance.” Roy rolled his eyes as he dialed. Donna was almost whistling as she came back in. “Did you have fun?” Roy asked. “I sure did,” Donna said. “I just wish it was snowing so I could write my name.” “You know, this could have given me your strength. Maybe then it would be fair.” ”Yeah. So what’d you find out, sweetcheeks?” Donna asked, giving Roy a swat on the butt. “The guy who blasted us is named Dementor. He did the same thing to Guy a few years ago.” ”Really?” Donna chuckled. “You know, I just can’t imagine the idea of Guy Gardner as a woman.” ”I’m glad you’re enjoying this,” Roy said. “The bad news is that was a time portal.” ”So? Where’s Dementor now?” ”Dead.” Roy watched Donna’s face fall. “Fortunately, I have an idea.” The two landed outside a complex. Donna looked around as Roy got his bearings. “So what’s this place?” Donna asked. “Creep we busted while I was working for Cadmus,” Roy answered. “Name of Dabney Donovan. He left a little surprise inside.” Roy led Donna inside. Donna recoiled a little as she saw ashy outlines of bodies lying all around a devastated room. “What happened here?” she asked. “Donovan grew some super-powered clones and tried to kill Superboy. The kid beat them and they blew up.” A smile crossed Roy’s face. “Here we go.” A door that still bore the spray-painted words “Project X.” ”I remember this place,” Donna said with a smile. “This is where we got him back from the past*.” (* In Time-Tossed – coming soon in Superboy! – db) “Exactly,” Roy said. “What I’m thinking, is that if one zap turns you into a guy and me into a girl…” ”Then another should turn us back to normal. Great.” Donna rubbed her face. “Why didn’t you tell me how much aftershave burns?” ”Cause I wanted to see you scream like that kid in Home Alone,” Roy said as he bent over the controls. He muttered to himself as he adjusted the controls. “What if the portal fails before we get back?” Donna asked. “Won’t that mess with the space-time continuum or something?” ”Not really,” Roy asked. “We just hang out here or something for the night and head back home tomorrow.” He threw a switch and the room was filled with ozone. “Yes! Come on!” He grabbed Donna and pulled her through the portal. “Let’s go,” Troia said as she lifted Arsenal up and they flew into the air. Dementor was just emerging from the portal. Another portal opened behind them, bearing a much more masculine Donna, and a much more feminine Roy. “We’ve only got one shot at this,” Roy murmured as Donna flew into position. The beam fired and enveloped all four heroes, who plummeted to the ground. Donna regained her composure faster than her day-old duplicate, and she and Roy returned to the present through the portal. They made it through just as Donovan’s machine died. “Well, now what?” Donna asked, after a quick inspection. “It didn’t seem to work.” ”We didn’t change immediately last time either,” Roy reminded her. “Miri’s got the kids, so let’s try to get to sleep.” “Like I could sleep!” Donna said. Roy reached into his pocket and pulled out a small marble. “This thing’s full of sleep gas. It’ll put you out.” “Great. I just want to forget today,” Donna said. “Do you have any idea of how creepy it was to have Sharon hitting on me when I woke up?” ”Really,” Roy said with a smile as he popped the marble open. “Who’s the lesbian now?” Before Donna could reply, the gas had overtaken them and they were asleep. Donna’s eyes finally fluttered open. She knew everything was back to normal when she saw that Roy’s chest had deflated. He had a smile on his face so wide that she thought his cheeks would tear. “My boys are back!” he said as he wiped a tear from his eye. “I’m sorry,” he said as he dissolved in tears. “I’m just so happy!” Donna rolled her eyes. Everything was definitely back to normal. Next Issue: Trouble erupts as Count Vertigo shows up, but who’s he working for? Previous Issue | Next Issue |
